Those Phrases from My Parent Which Rescued Us when I became a New Dad

"I think I was just in survival mode for twelve months."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of being a father.

Yet the truth quickly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver while also caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a talk with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a good spot. You require assistance. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads face.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a larger reluctance to talk amongst men, who still absorb damaging ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to request a respite - taking a short trip away, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "poor choices" when younger to change how he was feeling, turning in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a friend, your other half or a professional what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the safety and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they communicate, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."