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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.