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The schedule for the prestigious venue in the nation's capital highlights a fun dual-language show and an improvised Shakespeare company. Curiously absent from the public events is Friday's global football draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door affair. Organizers likely want to prevent any unwanted attendees from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-aggrandizing spectacle where well-paid celebrities will undoubtedly echo the old cliche that "soccer unites the world."

An A-List Hosting Team

The lavish ceremony is due to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum alongside diminutive American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be gridiron legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Collectively, they will oversee a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, pomp-free days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of wooden, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last almost three torturous hours, the event will feature a seemingly endless playlist of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental video montages, scripted gags, famous faces, performances from acts with either no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Draw Duty

Among those helping to conducting the ceremony? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, deep well of charisma exhibited by these ageing sporting legends, barring an uniformed snatch-squad crashing the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential English yes-man is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the reply was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are conscious of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when compared with other high-end goods.

The Main Event

With 42 countries already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. But as fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their own country will face in the initial phase, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and notable deeds." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the United States, speculation about the winner are ripe, though the clues are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager with a team on a five-match winless run, offering a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Regarding the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"